This past February, two musical powerhouses/infamously egotistical windbags have graced our shores, attempting to both cash themselves up in the twilight of their careers and provide a feel-good nostalgia burst to both aging Baby Boomers and kids who were out clubbing fifteen years ago. That’s right, sports fans, Pink Floyd’s Roger Waters and G-Unit’s 50 Cent hit Rod Laver Arena and the Melbourne Showgrounds respectively. Would this notorious bully, esteemed troll and opportunist prove victorious in this antipodean Battle of the Bands, or would Curtis ’50 Cent’ Jackson reign supreme?
As soon as I exited the train on Saturday night deep in the heart of sunny Ascot Vale, I was greeted by a young fellow crawling around on his hands and knees before a portable toilet, as he called Earl, rode the porcelain bus and made with the technicolor yawn in equal measure, at the hour of 8:30 PM – or what I like to refer to as the textbook definition of ‘having too much fun’. Once we entered the venue, my lovely accomplice commented that there appeared to be ‘an abundance of sluts’ in her best Beavis and Butthead vocal inclination. I was initially alarmed when I saw a guitarist, bass player and drummer on stage with 50, loyal weed carrier Tony Yayo and Brooklyn wildcard Uncle Murda. Would this be another rap concert where a third-rate house band performed poor renditions of the rapper’s greatest hits?
The good news? There was still a DJ in attendance. Instead of weak instrumental facsimiles of ’21 Questions’, the musicians in question were here to provide wailing gee-tar rifts and drum rolls that nobody asked for…unless of course you’ve spent the past fifteen years nodding your head to ‘In Da Club’ while thinking, ‘This is OK, but what this song really needs is someone grinding his axe over the top of this!’ Anyways, back to the face-off:
Hits: Roger Waters performed ‘Money’, ‘The Wall’, ‘Dark Side of the Moon’, ‘Time’ and ‘Comfortably Numb’. 50 gave us ‘Ayo Technology’, ‘Many Men’, ‘Candy Shop’, ’21 Questions’, ‘I Get Money’, ‘Hate It Or Love It’ and ‘In Da Club’.
Winner: Curtis.
Deep Cuts: Mr. Waters padded out the two-and-a-half hour show with some questionable late-period solo jams and let his back-up singers have a sing-off. Monsieur Cent allowed Uncle Murda to perform three solo songs that only five members of the crowd had ever heard before, including the amazing ‘Cam’Ron Voice’.
Winner: Mr. The Cent.
Props: The former Pink Floyd front man provided a giant industrial factory hanging from the ceiling, an enormous floating pig, a mystery floating globe and a laser pyramid. The boss of G-Unit played his videos on a screen behind him and occasionally threw his sweaty white hand towels into the audience as a pungent keepsake of a magical evening.
Winner: Roger the Dodger.
Sound: Waters had all kinds of sonic fuckery going on, with random speech samples ping-ponging throughout the venue, helicopters noises and the sound of a submarine diving. Curtis’ mumbling was barely audible thanks to the standard soundman failure to properly mix rap shows.
Winner: R. Waters.
Message: Rog seems to feel that us plebs in the audience require the political guidance of a rock legend, and proceeded to hammer the audience with low-hanging fruit political commentary such as ‘Trump is a pig’, ‘Iphones are for sheeple’ and making locals kids stand on stage with ‘Resist’ t-shirts during the cheesiest rendition of ‘The Wall’ imaginable. Tony Yayo asked the crown, ‘Who here likes smoking weed?’ while Bob Marley played in the background.
Winner: G-G-G-G-Unit!
The Verdict: With a score of three to two, the Vitamin Water kid himself claims top honours for a more low-key and, ironically, humbler presentation. What 50 Cent lacked in giant floating pigs, audience air-drumming and rubber dog masks, he made up for in Uncle Murda solo jams. And that, ladies and gentleman, is all that really matters at this stage in the game.
“Anybody Can Get It” bodies the entire Pink Floyd discography (shout outs to “Animals” tho.)
Cmon now! ‘Wish you were here’ or ‘Fearless’or ‘Comfortably Numb’for example, far exceed anything ol’ Arthur has come up with in his career so far. Not even close.